Isaac Newton has the answer

Port Vale FC 2 - 1 Rochdale AFC

Journey:

All this travelling has become a bit of a doddle. I have been all over the place this season - and nothing has deflected me from my sacred purpose. Night games at Gillingham, Lincoln and Notts County proved no problem. Saturday's away to Brentford and Exeter went surprisingly smoothly. Even a Sat Nav with a mind of her own, which whilst quite irritating, has always come through for me. I really didn't see what all the fuss was about.

Well until today that is...

Port Vale - apart from not actually being a real place - is one of the shorter away trips on my calendar this season. Not even as far as Stoke. No more than an hour's driving. With quiet roads due to the Christmas holidays maybe even a bit quicker.

Mr. Keane and Keane jnr arrived at 12:30 - allowing for a stop for fuel, drinks etc we joined the motorway at 12:50.

Remember all that stuff about 'quiet roads', 'not even as far as Stoke' and 'no more than a hour's driving'. That was all rubbish.

Things started well enough - but as soon as we joined the M60, things began to slow down. By the M62 things were moving seriously sluggishly. Once we were as far as the M6 we were pretty much stationary. The cause? An accident somewhere near Birmingham.

In this situation I always start from the ground state of 'I really hope everyone is OK'. Well everyone does - don't they. However, as time bleeds away and my sub one hour journey expands into over two hours. Other thoughts cross my mind. Usually along the lines of 'what did they do to cause the accident?'. I know it is wrong. But on a typical motorway journey I see so much genuinely awful driving that I live in a state of permanent amazement that there aren't actually more accidents: Middle lane driving, changing lanes without indicating or looking, driving too fast, driving much too slowly - none of these things help. But there is one thing that I think would really help the situation. A simple thing really. When you are driving - make driving at least the most important thing that you are doing. This applies to me to.

At 14:55 hours we finally arrived at Vale Park.

Weather:

Not sunny, not windy, not rainy... Just grey and a bit chilly.

Food:

I hadn't really intended to produce a 'Good Pie Guide' when I started doing this. However, I have had a lot more positive feedback on the 'Food' section than the 'Action' section. So without further ado:

The pies at Port Vale come in plastic bags! I was shocked at Gillingham when I was served my pie on a paper plate - but pie in a bag! Judging by my now expert palate, I surmise that the bag plays some part in the cooking process. I base this on the fact that the pie whilst quite tasty - was very damp (caused by the bag retaining the moisture, one presumes) and apt to fall apart.

Let the record show that Mr. Keane's pie was cold. Which provoked some disgruntled harrumphing from him. The fact that the manufacturer of said pies sponsored the 4th officials board only seemed to upset him more.

Ground:

Having finally made it to Vale Park, found somewhere to park, queued up to buy a ticket, queued up again to get into the ground, I arrived at my seat just as the game was kicking off.

I really don't understand why Port Vale operate this 'queue twice' system. Nowhere else does. Under normal circumstances it would make no sense - with tempers frayed today due to the traffic situation, I am surprised there wasn't a riot. Although if there had been, the hundreds of police officers who were loitering around the ground may have been put to some more practical use than simply drawing double-time.

And so to Vale Park. It is on top of a small hill, into which the stands are partially sunk. I am guessing it was an athletics style bowl at some stage in its history. Looking around Vale Park it is pretty obvious that The Vale have come from a better place - as the ground is all quite modern and well maintained. The only thing is, the rather heavy use of grey coloured, corrugated steel makes it look like a small industrial estate which someone has thoughtfully dropped a field into the middle of. Curious.

Action:

A couple of surprises on the team news front. Russell in goal. Kennedy, Stanton, Mcardle & Ramsden accross the back. Ramsden retaining his place ahead of Wiseman who would start on the bench. Rundle, Keltie and Toner accross the middle - with a rare return to the starting line-up for Higginbotham. Dagnall would partner the Evil one upfront.

The first half was a lively if rather frustrating affair. The Valiants had not been having the best of times this season, recording a number of home defeats. Consequently they set themselves up to defend deep and in depth. Dale were able to roll forward pretty much at will and generated a decent selection of opportunities. However, a combination of highly professional defending and goal keeping from Vale and some slightly indifferent passing from Dale meant that while Rochdale were very much on top, real chances were few and far between.

Vale's approach to the game was a bit troubling at times - may I introduce the five visits of the Port Vale Physio to the pitch in the first half as exhibit 'A'. It was pretty clear that the Vale plan relied upon ensuring that the very minimum of football that could be played - was played. Rochdale huffed and puffed in a sufficiently wolfish manner, but never looked like blowing the Vale house down. As the whistle went and darkness descended the tie remained level at 0-0.

During half time Mr. Keane set off in search of a hot dog with Keane jnr in tow. Having stayed with my seat I was treated to a visit from Playboy Dan. I haven't seen Rochdale's answer to Daniel Craig in quite a while so it was good to catch up with him again. Plus - he managed to horn in on the first match report of the season by fighting his way through the half time throng - so it seemed natural that he would repeat the trick to get into the last report of the year. I had considered doing a rundown of Playboy Dan's highlight's of the season so far. I didn't consider it for long.

Just as the second half kicked off, Mr. Keane returned from his hot dog quest - triumphant. Well, triumphant-ish. There was the small matter of re-hydrated onion for him to contend with. But as I say - mostly triumphant. To explain just exactly what happened in the second half - I need to invoke Newton's third law of motion.

No, Seriously. No, really - I mean it. Trust me on this.

Newton's third law states (broadly) - every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Basically, the harder you throw a rubber ball against a wall - the further it will rebound. Or in this specific example, the more pressure you exert on a football team without taking your chances - the greater the surprise when they score.

Rochdale started the second half just as they had ended the first. Wave after wave of Dale attacks broke over the Vale defence. Every one firmly repulsed. Rochdale made changes - LeFondre and Thompson taking the place of Dagnall and Rundle around 65 minutes. But there was still no way through - and then Mr. Newton took centre stage. On 75 minutes yet another Dale attack collapsed - the Vale full-back picked up the ball, ran up the right wing, crossed it into the box where the Vale manager's little boy calmly slotted it home. 1-0 Vale.

Thoroughly deserved - just very, very annoying.

Rochdale rallied and five minutes later Vale were down to ten men after Mr. Glover's little boy had tried to put Tom Kennedy into low earth orbit, two minutes later and a fairly industrial challenge on St. Adam saw Rochdale secure a penalty kick. LeFondre performed the honours as he has so many times this season. 1-1.

With just minutes remaining and a point in the bag perhaps now was the time to exert caution. No! No! No!

Vale suddenly looked like they were beatable - their hitherto bullet proof organisation was gone. This is what Rochdale had waited 80+ minutes for. Dale launched themselves at the Valiants - even Rory McArdle found himself pressed into service as an auxilliary forward. Just a little more pressure and Port Vale were bound to crack.

Mr. Newton regarded the scene and probably smirked.

A Dale attack fizzled out - Vale swept the ball forward and through the almost non-existent Rochdale rearguard. Russell parried Howland's initial effort - but only as far as Vale substitute Steve Thompson who made no mistake from close range. 2-1 Vale.

Summary:

As I stumbled numbly towards the exit Playboy Boy appeared at my shoulder.

'Whatever do you suppose just happend there then?' - conveys the main thrust of what he actually said.

Port Vale were not great today - but they did have a plan and they took their chances when they came. Rochdale were not great either but also had a plan - however, few of their chances were clear cut and those that were did not find the back of the net.

What happened today? Physics - probably.

Turner Watch:

Developing a set of new physical laws which explain why after four pineapple andcheese on a stick thingys - you really don't fancy another one.

28/12/08